Daft in a Raft

My grandparents (from the kumquat story) just got a new raft. So, while me and my cousin Kayla were at their house, we thought it'd be fun to use.

We didn't know how horribly, terribly wrong we were.

It started off nice. A little slow, I have to admit. But then me and my cousin decided to jump off and swim along.

I jumped off, then she next. The water was freezing cold! We immediately tried to get out. But there was one problem: No ladder, no rope, no anything. And for me: No upper body strength.

After about 5 minutes of hanging off the side of the raft, my cousin got up. I was stuck on the side, still unable to pull my self up.

My grandma and cousin pulled to no avail. The rope on the side (there was one rope hanging across) did no help at all except keep me from going off the edge.

It took me over a half hour until I could get back up.

Moral of the story: I will never go in a raft again.

Did You Know Gullible Is Written On Your Kumquat?

My grandma is really gullible.

Yesterday, I was on the phone with her. My grandpa was sick, and she was food shopping. So I made a suggestion.

"Get him a kumquat. There isn't a man in the world who doesn't enjoy getting a nice, big kumquat. Getting a man a kumquat makes his life complete."

I expected her to start laughing, but she then did something even funnier.

She said (seriously) that she was about to start looking for a kumquat.

My Grandfather's gonna be pretty confused.

False Advertising 2

Yesterday, there was a party I went to. It was called the 8th grade soiree. It's theme: Mardi Gras.

It had the beads, the colors, but there was one rule (just like in False Advertising 1 with the cell phones) they enforce you couldn't have: Masks.

Masks are a pretty main thing on Mardi Gras, so this caused a lot of controversy. People wanted masks, and they kept on asking why, but the school (for a reason I can only guess) said you can't have them.

So when I walked into the room, I was surprised to see, hanging in silver from the balloons, masks.

But that wasn't all.

Right as you walked in, enormous on the left wall, was the most prominent decoration.

I leave it to you to guess what it was.

Grammars Police! (A.K.A. Pwned 2)

Someone in our family is the grammar police. He corrects us every time we use bad grammar.

One thing he taught us is, contrary to popular belief, you say I feel GOOD, not I feel well. Well has to do with an active thing. So the other day, I tricked him.

We were eating dinner when I said, "I feel well today."

He said his usual thing. "NO! You feel GOOD!"

But I had my retort ready to go.

"No, I mean my hands aren't numb today. I can actually feel! It's like the sense is much more acute then it was before..."

Thief!

Last Sunday, I was home alone. Just me and the bird. My bird's name is Squawko.

Squawko loves to steal food out of my bowl. Cheerios, Froot Loops, noodles, etc. This is one of her funniest moments.

I was at the table eating a big bowl of Cheerios. She was poking her head up above the table (she was on my knee), walking around, staring at my Cheerios.

I had already given her a couple that day, so I didn't want her to have more. But she really wanted the Cheerios.

When I least expected it, she leaped up on the table. Before I could stop her, she grabbed a Cheerio. But she's a smart bird. She didn't want me getting between her and that beloved Honey-Nut Cheerio of hers. So what did she do?

She ran.

All the way to the other side of the table.

With the Cheerio now in her foot, she was happily munching.

Point: Squawko.

Pwned!

(This story has some material that may have a misconception. The punchline was a joke. No feelings were hurt in the process of this story. Also, I will be starting a new story subsection called Pwned! where I post when I have snappy, funny comebacks. This is the first edition of this section. Enjoy.)

I was talking with a teacher. Last week, he promised to look at my blog. He forgot. He promised to look Thursday night. He didn't. Finally, on Friday, we made a deal.

"If I (teacher) don't look at your (me, Noah) blog by Monday, I will bring you a piece of chocolate from a great place with the best milk chocolate you'll ever taste."

Naturally, I wanted him to not look at my blog. I waited. And waited. Monday soon came around.

He didn't look. He also forgot the chocolate.

He said he'll bring the chocolate, but he didn't think he should promise to look anymore. He said it was making him a bad role model, not keeping promised.

"Don't worry. You're not a role model to me."

The Good, the Bad, and the Clueless

Yesterday I went to the doctor's. I hate shots. I had to get one. Actually, I had to get three.

It didn't hurt too much this time. But that's not the whole story.

Today, I was in class, talking to my teacher about the shots (which I had also told friends.) I told her my arms were still sore, so they hurt a bit. My teacher made a joke, fake clapping me on the shoulder (where I got the shots,) saying we'd all go like that and say congratulations.

In walks a friend, who only hears the last part. He walks up to me and goes, "Congratulations," while clapping my shoulder.

For real.

All I can say about this incident: Ouch.

Murphy's Flaw: Anything That Can Go Right Will Go Way Beyond Right! (And then go wrong again.)

Yesterday, I went to the science fair. I was down. I thought, compared to all the other county projects, mine was crap. I really thought I had no chance at anything. But it was fun to be there.

We did many activities, and were interviewed about our projects.

Then came the judging. I didn't think I'd win anything. My division came by. The read the bronze medalists. I said after they didn't call my name, "That's it for me."

Then came silver. My name was there.

I was ecstatic!

But it wasn't over yet.

After they did all the rest (including best in fair), they said the 24/130+ going to state. They said 6 alternatives, and I wasn't one of them

It was all over. Or so I thought.

"...Someone somethingson, Andrew Dutcher, Noah Goodman..."

I am going to State.

WOOHOO!

I had stomach flu today.

Talk about ruining a good moment.

False Advertising

I used to live in New York. At the school I went to, they had a stern rule. NO CELL PHONES OR ELECTRONICS. They spent the whole year enforcing this. One glimpse or ring and it's confiscated. It was in the announcements practically every morning.

Obviously, this story has to lead somewhere. I would not have a whole story saying that a school wanted no electronics. So as I said, this was a really big deal in the school.

It was close to the end of the year. So when I got the new yearbook, I was very surprised. Because right there smack on the front was a picture of a backpack. And you know what was in that backpack? That's right. An iPod and a cell phone. After a year of trying to take them away, it's on the cover of our memories of that year.

Hey, that IS what the year was all about, right?

Mile 1, Noah 0

On the day before spring break in P.E., we learned that the day we got back, we would run the mile. I am not very in-shape, so I dread the mile. So I kept dreading that day after spring break.

But it rained. It rained so that the field was wet, and we were going to run the 20-minute instead. I was ecstatic (20 minute has more freedom to walk and rest).

We normally go around the blacktop. On that day we had a different course. It went around and in front of the school.

I knew I went much slower then usual. I wanted to compare the time to my normal 20 minute time. I asked a teacher how long this was compared to the normal course. He didn't tell me that it was, say, 3 blacktops long. He said, "It's about 2 and a half laps."

I had gone exactly that.

Darn mile.

The Dawn of a New Revelation

I was at a passover seder the other day. At passover, a Jewish holiday where Jews cannot eat any leavened bread products (only Matzoh, or unleavened bread), you have the seder, which is the meal with a set of rituals. It is also a service. There is a part called the four questions. The youngest child present is supposed to ask, "Why is this night different from all other nights?" Then the child asks why we do each of the four different things (dip twice, recline, etc.) My 10-year-old cousin had a look on his face after we asked why this night was different from all other nights. We could tell he had his own idea of the answer. Upon my grandmother asking what is was, he thought for a second, then responded: "Because we don't do this every night."

Oy